Discussion in 'Dating & Relationship Discussion' started by UCbro902, Dec 10, 2010.
Or would you find it hard to compete with the memory of the person they lost?
HECK NO! The men I date do not compete with my memories, nor do I theirs.
i would as long as he had come to terms with it. it would be nice to meet a bloke that has fond memories of his previous lady... i wouldnt see it as competition unless he was a still living his life around her..
i was introduced to a bloke last weekend, a tasty chap he was.. within 3 minutes he had mentioned his two money grabbing ex-wives...
an instant turn off..
No. In my view, it's no different than "competing" with any other former lover... except the risk that they'll get back together is lower :lol:
In my view, every relationship is unique and it's silly to worry about how you stack up against every former lover the person had.
Tried it twice in the past 6 years ... well three times, and no, no n no. I am not against it but the experiences I PERSONALLY have had is that none of them were over their wife. too many tears and constant talk about how perfect, amazing and so on she was. I figure I am so far removed from their "memory" that there is no room for me in that relationship. I am not into three ways.
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Oh, man. I hate it when I write that sort of stuff, and then can't edit.
I should have just said: Yes, I'd date a widower, and decide after getting to know him if we're compatible.
Sorry, people. I wrote a stupid, sorry-for-myself post, and apparently caught it just in time to edit. But for some reason, I was too slow to edit the follow-up post, apololgizing for the previous (now "redacted" post). Ha! Man, do I ever sound like Lupe de Loop Loop! Ha! Many apologies.
^^^ well the good news is that I read the original version and can recite it on command...
I have always thought I would date a widower, feeling good memories would be preferable to bad ones (if it was a good relationship),
but reading savona's post reminds me there is that potential also...so I'd say now it really depends on where that person is at emotionally...like anyone....widower, or not.
well i would love to read hanna original post...
from hannas previous posts i noted that she has lost a loved one and it would be good to look at it from the other side...
I'd date a widower, definately, but I haven't so I can't talk from experience, I was on the verge when I decided to stick with the nice guy I've got. :confusion-shrug:
:confusion-shrug: It wouldnt bother me at all coz you cant compete with a "ghost".
But,it really depends on the individual and if all he talked about was his dead wife,id find that to be very draining after a while.
However if he was now emotionally healthy,it wouldn't be a problem to me at all.
I have friends who have commented to me that a widow would probably be a good man to date because he has not been through the ringer in divorce and so probably not so defensive and so on.
Personally this is what I have found to be the difference between a widowed man and say divorced ...
He retains "their" friends, is usually living in "their" home, takes trips with "their great group of friends". This decorating was "her" great taste. We bought this home together, we, we, we. All of the men I dated who were widows still referred to their past wife as My wife this and my wife that, even out in public.
Often when a partner pbums away they are put on a pedistol that few could or even want to climb on to. There is no starting over like when a split happens, often the widow want you to be the missing piece of THEIR puzzle that fell out as their world is still complete but without one piece, and that is the partner that they lost.
Regardless of how they will protest that they are not looking to "replace" they mostly are. (Again this is my personal experiences)
Personally I would like to build a life together, not just be squished into someone elses life to see if I fit the bill.
I was and perhaps still could be enticed to date a widow but he would have to have dated quite a few women before me to know that all women are different and the chances of finding that perfect mate like the one who passed away is rare. No one is going to cook the same, have the same way as the person who they were with for 30 years.
Lets face it, often, NOT ALWAYS, the person that passed away is preceived after death to have been nearly perfect. Things that were disagreeable seem to fade from memory as usually the one left behind only has GOOD memories. That is GOOD, I am not saying different, but from my experiences this has been true.
I have an on line friend who I feel would have a hard time finding someone that they care for nearly as much as the partner they lost. That relationship is irreplaceable. It was a one in a million, so this person is not the only one who feels that way.
There are also some widows who don't feel that they could love that way again, ever, and it may be so, but many ... MANY men at my age who have been married to one women for most their adult life are unable to cook, take care of a home and have pretty much made it clear they are unable to do many of these basic needs. Also many men who had long term marriages that ended in death know that they were healitier being with a partner. They have verbalized this to me, and I FELT that it could be anyone, not necessarly me ... who ever fits the missing piece of the puzzle that was left when their partner passed away.
When you hear my wife use to do this and my wife use to do that ... you know they are not ready to accept that no two women are the same.
(Can't say for the opposit sex as I have NO experience in that department so I am pretty sure it can be vice versa as well)
Well put savona.
I wondered how long it would take for a thread like this to appear.
As for dating W/W I dated one. We weren't compatible. His wife had been gone four years. I never felt like I was competing with anyone. I did feel pressured to begin a relationship where his marriage left off. Like Savona said, he wanted me in their house, etc. etc. It seemed like he never really got to know me, and he just wanted somebody (anybody) to be there. He had some control issues. I'm not sure those had anything to do with his widowhood. His adult children told me he had always been that way.
From the widow's perspective I don't think it's fair to generalize. Just like anyone else, W/W's have a time when they are ready to try again. Some never are. I divorced my first husband and my second (good) husband died. I think the grieving process is similar, but I don't have anyone to blame for his death. I've dated men who expected me to have some bitterness or resentment toward my late husband. I don't understand why. I don't think he wanted to die. Almost everyone has memories, both good and bad of past relationships. For those of us who had happy marriages we simply entertain the happy memories more than the bad memories. My husband wasn't a saint. He wasn't perfect. Why would I choose to focus on the few bad memories rather than the many happy ones? There's no good reason for me not to honor his memory.
I don't like the word "compete" in this context. Assuming the W/W is ready to try dating again, is somewhat healed, and somewhat rational then there is no competition. My husband is dead. He couldn't compete if he had to. I fully expect whoever I am dating to have a past. Hopefully that past has some truly wonderful memories. I wouldn't ask someone to erase their past as a qualification for dating me.
I have been seeing someone for the last two months. It is going very well. We have discussed this a few times. I think Tim left some really big shoes to fill. He was a good husband and a good father. I don't talk about him much, without a good reason, in front of the new guy. It would probably be easier for my boyfriend to look good if my last husband was a jerk. Because my husband was a good man, it raises the expectations somewhat for this relationship. I understand that, but I do expect to be treated with warmth and kindness because I deserve it, not because I am a widow.
Sometimes is hard to compete with LIVING memories,. and it doesn't matter which extreme or direction you go.. either nothing like them, or exactly like them,.. both seem to be a lose/lose situation,.
as far as being compared to a deceaced memory,. I can understand that,. and though it would wear thin.. you would put up with it if you truely were into the person bearing the memory.. I KNOW I'm guilty of it myself,. and I try really hard to keep a check on it, Sometimes you just can't though..
Usually with the living memory comparison,. the person has been hurt, and they use that fact as an "emotional out" to distance themselves from you, so they can be comfortable. You can argue the point all day long, but when the comparison card has been dealt you,. just accept it,.nothing you can really do..How do you fight "Guilty by association with a perfect stranger?" :shock:
Oh me oh my a post of yours I can agree with. Let me get some RICE...
its lighter to throw off my broom when flying.
>SIGH<................Geeze Margo,.Let it go,.ok? I've done nothing to ya babe......
OK, I'll try this again.
I'll start by saying I'm a widow, of sorts (we weren't married, but we were together for 25 years).
Next, I'll say I don't think the fact that my man died is why I'm not a good prospect for a "relationship." Heck, I was NEVER a good prospect for a relationship! Ha! We ended up in an Accidental Relationship, by sheer luck and other funny stuff, in my opinion.
Also in my opinion, this issue really needs to get back to the basics of the individual. I know enough widows/widowers who found good relationships, just like I know divorced people who later found good relationships.
Another issue is the concept of "dating" and "relationships" - at least in the general, traditional sense. I think I'm quite a good person to "date." As far as I know, no one I've ever dated has a negative idea of me. But some people only date with some sort of idea of it becoming a traditional relationship. Those people wouldn't like me at all, if they'd had the misfortune to date me (which would only have happened if I misjudged things).
Final answer? It's not about whether someone's wife/husband/partner died. It's about the person who was left alive, and also the person who is interested in "dating" them.
Hanna & Cyst, I thank you for sharing.
One thing about the widows and widowers that I know is that if they had a good relationship they still know good relationships can happen and don't play games. Some take longer to heal than others, but isn't that the same in breakups? Sincerely, I look at myself and I see someone who is not fit for a relationship. Dating widows, widowers, divorced, etc should judged on a case by case basis.
Of all types who find themselves single they are the only type who successfully became so.
I don't believe what you just wrote. I don't view the deaths of the men I loved as being successful. That's a pretty screwed view in my opinion.
I also see a HUGE difference in widowed men and women.
Most men choose not to let go almost worshiping their memories
Many I have met admit it too. Women mourn differently. We can
choose to let go and move on. Its like many widowed men want that ghost
right in the room.
You seem to misunderstand my meaning.
Widows/widowers find themselves single through no fault of their own,generally. There is often a degree of blame on both sides for most who simply split up.
I've been widowed twice, I never compare men I date with my deceased husbands, but the very few men I have dated that have lost their wives do. I avoid them because I have no desire to compete with a ghost, but then again I've had guys that can't get over their long lost girl friends & their mothers too. Nothing worse than having a guy tell you how to cook like his mama does, or that his mama folds her towels a certain way or his mama never painted her nails red, or his mama always wore her hair up or his mama........yuk! :roll:
I would date a widow. I have dated some young widows. I haven't been compared to her deceased husband. So I have no problems to report. Though it does lead to the awkward question of what happened.
Boy do I hear you. Not to demean the loss of a spouse, but this is a bigger threat to finding a relationship.
This year, someone I know, who has always been a fond riding friend, lost his dear wife of several decades.
Her death upset me, not only because she will be missed, but her death took place in such a short time from finding out she was ill. I hurt for his loss.
The new widower, just like other mutual friends, will continue to be a friend.
However, we are having a dinner next week, and I have organized several topics in my mind to converse about. To avoid talking about his wife; I'm nervous that it might bring him down, and that being with friends is a way, for him to avert his own grief.
I want to be considerate. So it's ok if the new widower talks his head off, about his wife, their life together,
his pain, and if I hear him say, She is the best thing ever to exist, That's OK Too! We are, our life experiences***
I think I can learn something.
Widow or not. I only want friends, that share my interests and subject passions, spending time discussing, things we do.
I don't want an enveloping relationship, crossing the affection line.
I don't want anyone to try and emotionally manipulate me, feeling sorry for them. I've made it pretty clear to people that know me, for whatever reasons, I like my private life. No one is allowed to fart in my bed except me - nice metaphor, yes?
Widows/widowers are vulnerable, especially in their 50's & up; possible prey for ruthless gold diggers.
I don't ever want to be accused. Another good reason to maintain friendship.
***but...there is a difference talking about our life experiences, and living the ones that no longer exist.
Wow ... thank you so much ladies. I was beginning to think I was the only one who noticed this about widowed me as well. Sheesh I was getting paranoid that it was ME, and only me who felt this way.
I also am avoiding widowed men, and yes there are those who fully morn their mothers still. I feel that the men also chose to not let go, and agree that most of them ""worship"" their memories. However there they are out dating, on line one month later. That is scary.
A friend of mine dated a man who had lost his wife three years before. He tried to turn her into the wife he had lost. She tried to sit and explain that she was her own person with her own ideas and style. He phoned her two days later to say if she couldn't understand and give him what he wanted, then there was no way the relationship would work. I told her she had a lucky escape. However that is not to say this would happen on meeting someone else in the same situation.
i have dated a couple of times, but not had a relationship with widowers....yet, maybe it's my age category, but once they are in their 50's, i find little mention of their deceased wives, never mind trying to recreate her in me....
but if a relationship had developed, i don't know if it might have become part of it.
honestly, i hear a whole lot more about ex's from men who have been divorced.
Folks without at least one divorce under their belts in this day and age are just slackers.
A detail that seems to be being overlooked discussing the "would ya date a widow/widower" topic is the details of how exactly they achieved that status.
hmmm, never dated a widow, so this is all good information. I have had a relationship with an emotionally disturbed individual. I reckon after that one, any relationship should be a piece of cake. Oh, I she didn't tell me that she had "issues" until it was too late.
I would never consider dating a window. They're entirely too transparent.
My wee bit o fluff has never been wed but saw off two previous to an early grave... 3rd time lucky, I hope!
If she ever sees I called her a bit o fluff, may as well dig faster that hole I keep on looking into
I have and I would again. However, the widow was only two years older than I am, so that may not be what most people think of initially when they think of a "widow".
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